Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
