There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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