I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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