I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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