If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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