is your mom at the bar?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Randomize
