At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
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i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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