Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
