After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
