Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
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You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
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I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Terrible idea I love it
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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