I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
