I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
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Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
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I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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