I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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