I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
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No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
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Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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