What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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