First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
