My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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