What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
