I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
