I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
