I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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