You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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