Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize