I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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