Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
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better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
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I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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