my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
