would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
