the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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