Even the bartender felt bad for me
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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