the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
