walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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