My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
