I am spending my child support on dildos
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize