textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
