I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
