Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
