yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"