when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
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She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
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I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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