i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
My cat gives me a boner
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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