got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
