I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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