hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
