my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
