She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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