The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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