I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize