there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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