Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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