I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He? As in you personified your dick?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
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