Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
