She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
