shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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