my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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