I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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