hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
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So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
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My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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